1. Carly Rae Jepsen- Call Me Maybe (April 2012)
This seems like a good place to start. As far as earworms go, Carly Rae Jepsen's magnum opus of nigh on offensive mediocrity is a veritable Thresher Maw. The song manages to spare a whopping twenty-nine seconds before bounding happily into the chorus like an ecstatic and mildly defective border collie. Jepsen (though surely that isn't an actual surname?) sings about fawning over strangers and butterflies and young love and such shit, hardly new ground, but it's sufficiently fresh as to never be openly derivative. Visually Carly is utterly pedestrian, with a big unfashionable bob that hides most of her face and a petite, shapeless frame. Though this pre-teen aesthetic is quite refreshing amongst legions of massive busts and frighteningly huge butts (see: Nicki Minaj, Rihanna, Rita Ora). Lyrically Jepsen is utterly devoid of colour, sounding like basically every other tween superstar, and it passes over you leaving little flavour or feeling. Virtually anyone could have sung this song. They could have got Premier Merkel to do this one.
This is a curious song in that it feels really out of place, looking and sounding like something from 2003, although that isn't necessarily a bad thing. The chorus is so unbelievably catchy that it's hard not to feel at least some warmth for this track, and while it's fairly cheap and tacky, it's also quite sweet. In addition, Jepsen herself should be celebrated for surely being the first person to ever miss someone BEFORE even meeting them ('Before you came into my life/ I missed you so bad, I missed you so, so bad'). Yeah, nice one Carly, you fucking loon. The music video is now iconic simply due to its play count, although it's fairly basic. Carly falls for her gay neighbour, or gardener, or something. Carly is presumed to be wet for him on the basis he mows a lawn in slow mo and takes his shirt off. Carly washes her car, pervs on her vascular gardener, reads some shitty books and generally just tits about. Then there is some singing with her band in the garage (Does she live with her parents? What is she, 17? She owns the house? She has a mortgage? You know it's this sort of American lending which got us into this mess). Here we see the woosiest guitar player EVER, who at no point in the song is actually detectable over the joyous strings anyway. He actually moonwalks at one point. Nice one ever playing with any other bands ever again ('Hey, aren't you that douche out of Carly Rae Jepsen's band who moonwalks in a self-depricative manner? Yeah the vacancy is filled'). Call Me Maybe is terrible by any musical judgment, but it is hard not to like the song due to its sheer virulent ability to stick in your head, and while Carly's voice is a bit piddly, she seems like quite a nice girl and never takes any of it too seriously. The humour in the video is also quite well placed. And then there are the endless lyrical retelling! What fun.
2. Justin Bieber- Boyfriend (June-2012)
It's been a long while since Baby, not like that is a bad thing, and after releasing a godawful Christmas album, Dustbin Jieber returns with newest abomination, Boyfriend. This song is stupid, really really stupid. Jieber undoubtedly churns out the dumbest lyric of the year with 'Chillin' by the fire while we eatin' fondue', not withstanding sitting by a fire would appear to negate any chance of chillin', and even in a figurative sense, it just sounds dopey. And fondue? Yes nothing is more gangster than a big ole pot of melted cheese (or of chocolate I guess, but short of a wedding this is never really appropriate ). Maybe it's just Jieber recognising finally that he isn't some hood rapper, and that in fact his fan base is made up without exception of candy-munching little pre-teen girls. But sadly I doubt that, it's more likely that he, or rather whoever it is that writes his songs, just being dumb. Jieber himself is quoted as saying that he hopes this single is more 'mature', and, from a certain point of view, this is true. I mean the video starts with Bieber doing freaking donuts in a big orange muscle car, which is pretty much as masculine as you can get, and besides, legally he probably couldn't even drive that until a few months ago. He could save his record label some time, money and effort by just wearing a badge saying 'I am now of majority.' There is also a new look; dark wayfarers along with a leather jacket and quiffy hair. Those drawstring hoodies and mop haircut are nowhere in sight. Furthermore his 'nads have dropped lending him a deeper register. But this cannot mask the fact that this is candy apple crap intended for some chubby nine year olds.
Not content with just being bad this song is downright creepy (Need I say more). The rhythm of the song is set by a ghostly, intermittent wailing, 'weeew-eew' in the background, which is really off-putting, like the rhythm section was left to collaborating artist Jennet Humfrye. Bieber practically murmurs most of the first verse, giving him the air of a serial axe murderer-rapist whispering excitedly to the corpses of some butchered hitchhikers as he buries them under the shed. This rapey vibe is emphasised by the video itself, which starts with imagery of frosty industrial cogs and dripping icicles, like the whole thing is shot in Bieber's creepy rape warehouse. Bieber is then seen in a dark room standing behind a young girl, whispering that he intends to take her to places 'she ain't never seen before' (namely the trunk of his big orange muscle car, and, shortly after, the earth beneath his shed, via a heady dose of chloroform). Later on we see some nameless bitch come and stand by Justin. Justin glumly watches with arms folded as she approaches, then he pulls at her, pushes her to and fro a bit, and then makes her do twists for his amusement and gyrate on him for a bit too. All clammy like, reminiscent of some horrific re-telling of Lennie from Of Mice and Men. And then he has the audacity to proclaim 'I could be a gentlemen'. Well clearly not Justin. Chivalry is seldom formulated to include grabbing at a bitch like a raunchy hermit crab.
Musically the song is bog standard tacky RnB, with a persistent drum machine beat, the afore mentioned creepy ghost noises and some twinkly synths a bit later on. The use of an acoustic guitar is the sole source of merit here, adding a bit of funk and some substance to the chorus, along with a touch of colour and personality to a track which is otherwise totally empty. Bieber actually announces the introduction of his own vocals like the preening tit he is ('so say hello to falsetto in three, two, swag'), a feat of stupidity matched only by the fact he actually fails to reach a count of three, apparently believing swag is somehow a numeric. And if Bieber's singing equates to falsetto then hell, Yorke and Bellamy can sleep easy. Although, Bieber's singing on the chorus is not unpleasant, if a bit squeaky at times, and it makes the chorus very, very catchy. Though not quite to the extent of Jepsen's effort, nor is it as good as that song. This song is terrible almost without exception. The video takes itself too seriously, directed by the mysterious Director X, who tricks us by cutting off the video after thirty seconds only to restart the whole thing, like he's David Lynch or something. What exactly sports cars, ugly high-tops, Wayfarers, or swag have to do with being a boyfriend is anyone's guess. But it shows clearly what Island Def Jam Music think folks these days regard as essential in a potential love interest. And sadly they are probably spot on. Of course it's easy to blast Bieber himself, though it isn't really his fault; he seems like a nice enough guy, and while his talent is questionable, he doesn't really deserve all the flack. But that cannot save this train wreck of a song. I don't think anything can.
3. Dappy- Rockstar (Feat. Brian May) (March 2012)
Dappy left N-Dubz and things looked good, because it was hoped he would go the same way as Geri Haliwell and bloody well disappear. But no such luck, as he reached No. 2 in the singles chart with latest effort Rockstar. I was content to let this song pass me by, until I learned that legendary Queen guitarist, Brian May, had agreed to a collaboration. This utterly stunned me. Grime shitbag Dappy had convinced a rock legend to work with him. How was this possible? It's hardly the first hip hop-rock crossover, but I can't remember there was this much disparity between the two. I mean Aerosmith and Run DMC were sort of on a level when they made the classic Walk This Way, but this is madness. What will there be next? Can we expect Tinie Tempah to crack out a single with Pete Townsend, or Chipmunk to release an Extended Play featuring the re-animated corpse of Judy Garland? This is just insane.
Renowned musical talents should be beyond the whim of shitty grime rappers. But somehow May was snared. The only way I can look to forgiving May is if there was some sort of abduction sub-plot involved along the lines of Taken. Though I suspect there was no such leverage, beyond the financial. Of course May's contribution which, to be fair, lasts little more than twenty seconds, is the only part of the song that is actually good. The rest of the song is angsty, juvenile, and tuneless. Dappy wears big ugly sunglasses with one of those scrotal sack beanies, and raps angrily about his life, like all those other times. Maybe this isn't fair, I mean I don't like Grime full stop. Tinie Tempah's wry wit and self-referential humour makes him fairly palatable, and Labrinth seems genuinely quite talented, but bar that, Grime seems to me tasteless, tacky, and just a cheap imitation of the far more genuine and authentic American rap scene. But still, this song seems to stand out as particularly bad.
4. Fun-We Are Young (Feat. Janelle Monae) (June 2012)
This song came and hovered around the Top 10 for several weeks, which was to be expected, it's a good song, fairly original, well sung and above all, catchy. But when it went to No.1 in early June, then questions started to be asked. Namely, can ANY song get to No.1 these days? Yes it's a catchy song, and yes front man Nate Reuss's vocals are quite fresh and even distinctive, but No.1? The problem I have with this song is that it has virtually nothing to say. What is the song about? The video focuses on the band performing during a bar fight, but what does that mean? Of course the whole thing is shot in agonising slow mo AGAIN. The band play the chorus in empassioned slow mo with concentration faces that makes the whole thing mildly hilarious. Furthermore while Reuss's vocal style is quite original, it is also, well, sort of whiney and emo-tinged. In fact that goes for the song as a whole, in that while it does stand out as quite a nice and twinkly alternative to most chart music, it also feels a bit like Fall Out Boy in the worst possible way. Lyrically the song is weak, with nonsensical references to a 'pair of sunglasses' taking Nates's seat and asking his beau 'about a scar'. While this is probably a drippy metaphor for like love trauma or something, it just sounds really lame.
Furthermore the transition into the transcendent chorus doesn't quite work, as the drums go from a deft, quick opening roll, to a pained, slowed down beat in the chorus, which doesn't sit particularly well. You can't help but get the feeling listening to this that they wrote the chorus, said, 'Hey, this is good!', then fudged together some sketched verses and shoved the whole lot together in the hope it would work. But it doesn't. The lyrics of the verses bear little or no relation to the chorus, again adding to the disjointed feeling, and the narrative is weak and almost impossible to follow. Like I said, this is a good song, but it should not be a smash hit, or No. 1. It just doesent seem to have the chops. It is a crude and scattershot song that, though not without its merits, ultimately comes across as sort of warmed over indie-pop meh.
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