I find myself now, like many other people my age, in a state of flux. The exams season forced me into that semi-insanity that is the hallmark of any true exam stretch. I wound up sat at a desk almost every day for about two weeks, following at least three weeks of gradual build up. Working in the library lost any kind of novelty feel to it somewhere after the fourth or fifth family law essay plan. Furthermore the turnstiles in Edward Boyle never bloody work, and so I was forced to stand there spasmodically rubbing my student card on the reader over and over again, like a frenzied housewife degreasing the oven. My Ipod appearntly shrunk to include only Moby, little baldy techno bastard that he is. I still flinch a little now whenever I hear Porcelain, and I fear it will forever be associated with battered old desks with penis jokes daubed all over them. My diet constricted to include only cherry bakewells, smoked bacon, and lots of Blue Bolt diet. The only substantial meals I had were cooked by my long-suffering housemate. But after a few hellish weeks, the war was over (was it won? July 2nd will tell).
And so like countless others my belongings are packed up into boxes, and the flat I've called home is now, well, no longer that. And it is all very strange. It's times like this you get that feeling, like the past is sort of tugging at the sleeve of the present, and that you know that what is now the present will now very shortly be the past. Of course, you could be arsey about this. You could be like, when you get a tin of beans and sausages, that is the present, and when you open it, then that act is then in the past, and there isn't anything particularly moving about opening a tin of beans and sausages. If you pointed that out you would be correct. You would also be a finicky little shit. I am talking about the bigger things here. The times in your life when you feel a particular chapter of your existence is about to come to a close. And it is an odd feeling, though not particularly unpleasant. Some people, like myself, have just ended an academic year. Some poor bastards have even just finished their final year. And that is what I truly fear. Because what comes after university? It is like life thus far has essentially been a very long railtrack of education, beginning with nursery, going through primary school, high school, college, and eventually university (though the curriculum hasn't changed much since the start; hoping for a good mark in that 20 credit elective I just concluded in macaroni art drawing). When university ends, the track terminates, with the lurking, inky abyss that is whatever comes next, looming up ahead.
So what can you do to evade the jitters, the feeling of the present quaking under your feet, soon to give way and leave you free-falling into what comes next? Nothing I suppose. Me, I get real nostalgic. Think about what you learned, people you met, places you went. Experiences you had, and shared. The future cannot be put off. Lots of smart men have written about the inexorable nature of time, the unstoppable sweep of days. I am not on of those men (I am barely even a man; anyone who has seen me with a couple weeks of facial hair knows this). Of course maybe I am just soft and most people are quite happy to let the future carry them along. Maybe I am just being a Negative Nelly. Or maybe an Irate Ida. Perhaps just a Cautious Clarence. Winging Wilfred? This is getting silly.
It is in this sort of sphere that you can argue the whole 'your life is pre-determined' or 'your life is a series of decisions' thing. I won't really get into that. Personally I am more of the persuasion that every decision is your own to make, as that seems the more hopeful alternative, but hey, what do I know. When you see people arguing about philosophy it's all rather like gnats arguing about the laws of thermodynamics. Maybe leave it to those aforementioned great men. Either way, big changes lay afoot, for many no doubt. As a very great songwriter and very poor singer once said, the times, they are a' changing. And this is good. Do something with this time that will very soon be your past. Me, I want to ride my bike more. All about the little things.
No comments:
Post a Comment